I never thought of myself as an anxious person. I always thought I was pretty calm in crisis. Today I’m not so sure. I have come face to face with with myself and it seems that anxiety has got a hold of me. I feel uncomfortable and afraid. I don’t like it at all. I’m having a hard time breaking loose from the queasy stomach into that calm Zen-like space I’d really like to be in.
I know that I really need to take a deep breath, and maybe another. Then I need to make up a different story than the one stuck in a loop in my mind. Then I continue breathing deep cleansing breaths and know that no matter what happens I will be okay. I just need to trust that I am moving in the right direction and let-it-go.
So, if I know this, why can’t I make it work? Well, the truth is I can make it work for some periods of time. And then I fall back into worry. Then I get distracted by work or a walk and my confidence returns…before once again slipping into fear and the ‘what if’ scenarios.
I’ve decided I am learning what it is to be human. To have the tools, to know how to use them but to see them rusting at my feet. To be human. To not be able to find spiritual sanctuary. To fall down and get up over and over again. It’s exhausting…and I know it is a great teacher. It is teaching me to lean in when every ounce of me is wanting to retreat.
So, I will keep at it. Breathe. Trust. Center. Fall. Crawl. Repeat. Becoming, hopefully, a better human.
Much love
Paula
